What an interesting concept —beautifully written, Marc. I too throw myself into self-improvement as a coping mechanism to “prevent” future heartbreak…but as you describe, no matter how much you improve, there’s still that risk that love can hurt.
This echoes of my partner, but in a very different way. Society and media make a lot of promises to men (and women) that are outright lies that we then have to reconcile. If you do all this, you'll get the guy/girl or get money or whatever.
My partner's belief was that hard work would always pay out... and for 30-odd years it was true. But then he started to learn gardening, but no matter how much you learn, mother nature will have her way with you. He tried his utmost to get his mom, who has dementia, to quit drinking and failed at that despite his best efforts. And he thought that being an emotionless, controlling moneybag would keep me satisfied as a partner, but that just wasn't true either. The grief over learning all of those things to be untrue was devastating for him.
Thanks for writing this! For me, I've always been emotionally kicked around, so I try to use all heartbreaks as learning experiences so that whatever I went through feels worthwhile and not like such a devastating loss. Much love to you 😊💞
I have loved a man like you, Mark. And while I could see he needed to put down the expectations he had of himself and of me and just show up as his whole self, that relationship was one of the most healing I’ve ever had. Because although I eventually realised there was more to him than the ‘white knight’ he was showing up as, his intent was never malicious or directly self-serving. He treated me like an absolute queen after I’d really been through it in a previous relationship, and it was exactly what I needed then.
My point is, I’m so glad you’ve arrived here and I’m excited for this next chapter for you. But I’m sure you have also left an imprint on partners along the way that served a great purpose x
There was something strangely cathartic about releasing that admission into the anonymous ether of the Internet. A reader recently commented, “What builds self-esteem in men?” I believe it starts by continuously confronting fear, especially the fears so ingrained they masquerade as personality. Then choosing the courage to do the work to challenge those fears.
It’s remarkable how sharing a single mental adjustment—reframing the 'white knight' belief system—felt like removing a stone I had been walking with my entire life. I, too, am excited for the new frontiers and inward adventures that lie ahead of my new journey.
I guess my quote would be 'You can't always get what you want .... you get what you need'. 😃
I love that you have such a sense of gratitude, for the connections you made, and take responsibility for the hurt you may have caused others. I feel that's important.
I cannot deny the magic I have experienced in life. Being "open to the next adventure" as you put it, is really what I'm left with, but that attitude is what both propelled me and saved me.
I'm 57. It's been 4 years. Who I am now is someone who set herself a challenge and spent 40 years throwing all she had into it. I didn't come anywhere near attaining my goal. I spent some time believing I'd wasted my life.
But having lived it, bettering myself for a fictitious man, I am a better woman. I am utterly prepared and in the perfect position to live the rest of it.
When I was 13 I realised with intense clarity, that the love I wanted in my future life, was so rare, I probably wasn't evolved enough to attract it in this life.
BUT!!!! ..... if I tried and worked really really hard, and embraced change and learned as much as I possibly could, maybe, just maybe, I could live multiple lives in this one, and bring my soul mate from a future life into the here and now.
13!
I share your grief.
When I finally laid my "sword" down, I realised my hopes, dreams and motivation to live with the passion I was accustomed to, went with it.
What a remarkable story, Lola. I would love to hear how you endured the death of that belief system. I find deep resonance with this quote: "Most people don’t fear endings. They fear the emptiness between the end and the new beginning." -Sara Kuburic
What an interesting concept —beautifully written, Marc. I too throw myself into self-improvement as a coping mechanism to “prevent” future heartbreak…but as you describe, no matter how much you improve, there’s still that risk that love can hurt.
Aww... thank you Jackie ❤️🩹 It does feel good for me to finally acknowledge and admit this deeper truth to myself while my brain still schemes 😉
This echoes of my partner, but in a very different way. Society and media make a lot of promises to men (and women) that are outright lies that we then have to reconcile. If you do all this, you'll get the guy/girl or get money or whatever.
My partner's belief was that hard work would always pay out... and for 30-odd years it was true. But then he started to learn gardening, but no matter how much you learn, mother nature will have her way with you. He tried his utmost to get his mom, who has dementia, to quit drinking and failed at that despite his best efforts. And he thought that being an emotionless, controlling moneybag would keep me satisfied as a partner, but that just wasn't true either. The grief over learning all of those things to be untrue was devastating for him.
Thanks for writing this! For me, I've always been emotionally kicked around, so I try to use all heartbreaks as learning experiences so that whatever I went through feels worthwhile and not like such a devastating loss. Much love to you 😊💞
Thank you for sharing and your support Bear 🫶🙏
I heard this common refrain from men about starting therapy “I am scared that if I go to therapy and start crying that I won’t be able to stop” 💔
To laugh is to risk appearing a fool,
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.
To reach out to another is to risk involvement,
To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self.
To place your ideas and dreams before a crowd is to risk their loss.
To love is to risk not being loved in return,
To live is to risk dying,
To hope is to risk despair,
To try is to risk failure.
But risks must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.
The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing.
He may avoid suffering and sorrow,
But he cannot learn, feel, change, grow or live.
Chained by his servitude he is a slave who has forfeited all freedom.
Only a person who risks is free.
-Leo Buscaglia
Beautiful Caroline ❤️ I appreciate you sharing this 🙏
I have loved a man like you, Mark. And while I could see he needed to put down the expectations he had of himself and of me and just show up as his whole self, that relationship was one of the most healing I’ve ever had. Because although I eventually realised there was more to him than the ‘white knight’ he was showing up as, his intent was never malicious or directly self-serving. He treated me like an absolute queen after I’d really been through it in a previous relationship, and it was exactly what I needed then.
My point is, I’m so glad you’ve arrived here and I’m excited for this next chapter for you. But I’m sure you have also left an imprint on partners along the way that served a great purpose x
Thank you for your encouragement Evie 🙏 ❤️
There was something strangely cathartic about releasing that admission into the anonymous ether of the Internet. A reader recently commented, “What builds self-esteem in men?” I believe it starts by continuously confronting fear, especially the fears so ingrained they masquerade as personality. Then choosing the courage to do the work to challenge those fears.
It’s remarkable how sharing a single mental adjustment—reframing the 'white knight' belief system—felt like removing a stone I had been walking with my entire life. I, too, am excited for the new frontiers and inward adventures that lie ahead of my new journey.
Hi Mark, thankyou.
I like your quote, and relate to it.
I guess my quote would be 'You can't always get what you want .... you get what you need'. 😃
I love that you have such a sense of gratitude, for the connections you made, and take responsibility for the hurt you may have caused others. I feel that's important.
I cannot deny the magic I have experienced in life. Being "open to the next adventure" as you put it, is really what I'm left with, but that attitude is what both propelled me and saved me.
I'm 57. It's been 4 years. Who I am now is someone who set herself a challenge and spent 40 years throwing all she had into it. I didn't come anywhere near attaining my goal. I spent some time believing I'd wasted my life.
But having lived it, bettering myself for a fictitious man, I am a better woman. I am utterly prepared and in the perfect position to live the rest of it.
Does that make any sense??
When I was 13 I realised with intense clarity, that the love I wanted in my future life, was so rare, I probably wasn't evolved enough to attract it in this life.
BUT!!!! ..... if I tried and worked really really hard, and embraced change and learned as much as I possibly could, maybe, just maybe, I could live multiple lives in this one, and bring my soul mate from a future life into the here and now.
13!
I share your grief.
When I finally laid my "sword" down, I realised my hopes, dreams and motivation to live with the passion I was accustomed to, went with it.
🥰
What a remarkable story, Lola. I would love to hear how you endured the death of that belief system. I find deep resonance with this quote: "Most people don’t fear endings. They fear the emptiness between the end and the new beginning." -Sara Kuburic
Thank you for sharing 🙏