I recently came across a Substack Note from a writer,
, who posed a deeply vulnerable question—one I am certain countless others have quietly turned over in their minds:Do you ever wonder whether you’ve exhausted your relationship tokens in this lifetime?
I believe most of us are searching for love that is long-lasting and fulfilling, ideally a one and done. Dating and relationships can feel endlessly exhausting and increasingly complex, especially as you grow older and become more aware of your mortality. This sense of urgency brings sharper clarity to what truly matters in life. At the same time, you come to realize how rare and extraordinary it is to find a mythical, authentic love.
It’s hard to fault people for wanting to escape today’s pervasive societal malaise, whether by dreaming of transcendent romantic love or indulging in the fantastical hope of winning the lottery. Yet unlike the near-impossible odds of hitting the Powerball (1 in 300 million) or a successful startup exit through an IPO (1–2%), the “The One” Love Lottery and “The Other Ones” Powerball Love are jackpots we all have a chance to win.
*I realize that describing love as a lottery—or even associating it with one—may not sound sexy or mystical, but bear with me. A big part of me, the quant, thinks in terms of odds and probabilities.
The Origins of “The One”
The idea of “The One” has enchanted humanity for centuries. Ancient Greek philosopher Plato, in The Symposium, painted a poetic image of humans as once-whole beings split in two by Zeus, destined to seek their other half to regain their original unity. This myth has shaped the archetype of soulmates—two halves destined to reunite.
Later, the Romantic movement expanded this vision, framing “The One” as someone whose love awakens our spirit and transforms us. Traditionally, this ideal is characterized by:
• Destiny: A fated connection
• Singularity: A unique, irreplaceable bond
• Eternality: A love enduring beyond life
• Spirituality: The belief that cosmic forces align two souls
While these notions are enchanting, they also set unrealistic expectations. They suggest that once you have found “The One,” the hard work is done, and the story ends “happily ever after.” Practically, we know this fairy tale ideal isn’t true. We all aren’t sitting around with a winning love lottery ticket waiting for our numbers to be called.
“The One” Love Lottery
In today’s society, the notion of “The One” has evolved into a more agentic perspective, rejecting the soulmate or twin flames narrative. Instead, the focus is on empowering individuals to take ownership of their love lives, prioritizing active choice over the passivity of waiting for destiny to deliver the perfect partner.
This shift is both a gift and a burden. It empowers us to take responsibility for our part in a relationship while reminding us the limits of our control when it comes to connection.
What We Cannot Control
It is scary to accept that the course of our lives, and the love that flows through it, is largely beyond our control. This truth feels especially unnerving in a culture rooted in individualism and manifest destiny.
A culture, addicted to quick fixes and painkillers, often rejects pain or suffering outright. Yet love is inherently complex in nature: joy cannot exist without sorrow. To truly embrace one, we must be willing to welcome the other. There’s tragic beauty in the unsettling truth that pursuing lifelong love will be a constant challenge, one that includes its share of suffering.
“Pain and suffering are always inevitable for a large intelligence and a deep heart.” ~Fyodor Dostoevsky
What We Can Control
While we cannot control outcomes, we can control how we show up. At its core, this begins with prioritizing the most important relationship of all: the one we have with ourselves.
I once believed my worth as a romantic partner was intertwined with my ability to fix the problems of those I dated—a classic savior complex. This mindset led me to seek out “wounded bird” partners who were chronically insecure or emotionally unsettled. It took me over a decade to recognize this painful pattern and confront the core wounds behind this belief, particularly my own shame—the feeling that I wasn’t enough as I was. This part of me still lingers just below the surface, waiting for the perfect moment to slip in unnoticed.
It sounds cliché, but a healthy relationship with oneself creates the foundation for every other connection. Far too many relationships falter when either partner struggles with low self-esteem or a lack of self-love self-security.
Self-Love Self-Secure
I’ve struggled to fully ground the idea of self-love because it assumes that people have a solid sense of self to love. What I’ve observed is that most people suffer from lacking an authentic self, anchored with core values.
I’ve come to understand self-love as self-security or self-acceptance. It means having the courage to be continuously curious rather than critical and striving to create your whole, authentic self. Love naturally emerges as a byproduct of this process, which involves not only examining the parts of yourself you publicly project but also confronting the shadowy aspects you suppress, deny, or hide from others and even from yourself.
Research shows that 95% of our behavior is driven by the subconscious mind, and if we don’t confront the unhealthy coping mechanisms we developed in childhood, they will perpetually sabotage our relationships and lives.
Most of us present like icebergs, revealing only a fraction of who we are, the 5%, while the weight of unhealed shame, the 95%, lies beneath the surface. Tragically, it’s often those closest to us—the ones who see and love our depths—who are most negatively impacted by our unhealed parts. The shame we carry, whether consciously or not, acts as a barrier to connection—and, ultimately, to love. If we want to be truly known, we must strive to bring more of our subconscious self into the light.
“The Iceberg”, cinematic poem 🎥
Joy Is An Inside Job
One of the most powerful lessons I’ve learned about love came from my father. There was a time in my life when I treated him with unwarranted cruelty. I was trapped in a dark emotional abyss, consumed by the need to prove myself as a trader, and unfairly projected my shame onto him. My father, who enjoyed a successful career in finance but retired early, became the target of my envious frustration.
The breaking point came one afternoon during a heated tennis match—a fight so intense that someone called the police. Afterward, I had a sobering realization: I needed to step back and confront why my financial success had bred such bitterness and emotional rigidity toward the person I loved most.
Years of working toward self-acceptance have brought my father and me closer than ever. Through his steadfast example, I learned that joy is an inside job. Expecting someone else to make you happy is a sure path to resentment and unfulfilled expectations. Before we seek “The Other Ones,” we must nurture the love of “The One” within.
“The Other Ones” Love Lottery
Once we’ve cultivated self-security and embraced becoming “The One”, we can approach relationships with intention. First, we identify and seek the essential qualities we genuinely value in all our relationships, especially from a long-term romantic partner. From there, we can focus on building mutually supportive, interdependent connections by showing up authentically and creating space for vulnerability. I like to think of this as “The Other Ones” Powerball Love Lottery.
“The Other Ones”
When you commit to becoming self-secure, the dynamics in all your relationships—both new and old—will shift. It’s not just how you approach people that changes, but also how they approach you. Naturally, you’ll draw closer to those with whom you feel safe being your authentic self, while creating distance from those who do not.
Expect certain people in your life to resist or even shame you for changing, especially those who benefited from your low self-esteem. You will need to grieve the changes or losses in existing relationships, including old friends and family members who no longer serve you. Yet, the space created by these changes can be filled with building a new circle and seeking communities that value the real you. Healing may also illuminate some of your existing relationships, allowing you to appreciate the healthy connections you once overlooked.
When I finally healed the parts of myself that believed chasing wealth was the key to fulfillment, the love and appreciation I felt for my father flowed freed, unblocked and unhindered. Liberated from the narrative that accumulating wealth was the ticket to earning the love I longed for, I could finally appreciate my father’s unconditional love.
Yet through it all, my father was graceful. He never disowned me, hasn’t cut me out of his will, and to this day holds no resentment. Now, there’s no better feeling than flying home, seeing my nearly 81-year-old dad pull up to the curb with a big smile, and receiving one of his warm hugs. Spiritually, I feel closer to my father each morning I wake—never moody, never burdened, always seeing the world with fresh eyes.
“The Other One”
When dating, one of the most intentional choices we can make is to slow things down. As a self-described hopeful romantic and love addict who often gets swept up in the intensity of new relationships, slowing down feels unholy, a sort of contrived love. I’ve learned through painful experience how vital it is not to rush genuine connection. Psychologists suggest it takes 1–2 years to truly know someone. By pacing ourselves, we can temper idealization, projection and “future tripping” and to see our partners for who they really are .
In a long-term relationship, intentionality also means waking up and choosing to love our partners every day. This includes showing up for small, everyday moments and being present during big, defining ones. When conflict arises, we can choose to communicate and respond with empathy, curiosity, softness and self-regulation. When things inevitably turn hurtful and messy we can stay grounded with grace, keeping our side of the street clean.
Through these deliberate choices, we increase our surface area for serendipity to co-create a meaningful love with ”The Other One”.
Winning The Love Lotteries
Winning the “The One” Love Lottery isn’t about fate, luck or following some secret formula. It’s about doing the work—becoming self-secure and fostering a healthy space for aligned others to join us and hit “The Other Ones” Powerball.
Sometimes, despite our best efforts, relationships don’t last. People change, trust is broken, or unforeseen and unfortunate circumstances intervene. In these moments, the love we cultivate for ourselves, “The One” sustains us.
For the fortunate few who win the The Other Ones” Powerball Love Lottery and enjoy a joyful, long-lasting connection, the true reward lies in the journey. The bittersweet truth is that only in the later years of life will we know if our ticket was a winner. Until then, the key is to cherish each moment of joy, embrace every challenge as an opportunity for shared growth, and treasure every instance of blissful connection.
