The opposite of love is fear, not hate. ~Yoko Ono
I recently discovered Normal People after a writer friend strongly recommended both Sally Rooney’s novel and the Hulu series adaptation. Naturally, I double-checked Rotten Tomatoes, and anything with a solid 70%+ rating earns my attention, the show actually has a 91% Avg. Tomatometer. From the first episode, I was captivated by this modern-day Irish Romeo and Juliet—an intimate coming-of-age romance. The show stirred memories of my early adult relationships, offering a glimpse into how we let our fears of intimacy tragically sabotage our chances at connection.
I still vividly remember the day I moved into the dorms at UC San Diego along the idyllic La Jolla coastline, a mix of nerves and excitement swirling in my chest. The excitement mainly came from realizing our floor was co-ed. That’s when I met her—the most beautiful girl I’d ever seen, in all my eighteen years of living, possessing a smile that could launch a thousand ships. With my small scrawny surfer frame (yeah not much has changed), baby face (complete with a few stubborn pimples), and not a hint of facial hair, I felt like I had lucked out when she asked me if I wanted to go with her to the concert down at the student center that evening. It was a dream come true, the first hour of my adulthood already read like a romantic fairy tale.
But then, one day, the fantasy cracked—she didn’t respond to the message I’d left for her that afternoon. With each passing hours and no response I felt a growing visceral terror of imminent rejection overtaking me, residual scar tissue from childhood, paralyzing my ability to study or sleep. Overwhelming voices of inadequacy and abandonment ran rampant in my mind, until I couldn’t take it anymore. Overcome by emotional disregulation, I abruptly ended the relationship, giving a cruel and dishonest excuse—something vague like being young and wanting to have more fun.
Even now, I feel the memory of that cloudy spring afternoon in my dark dorm room—her tears, the way she sobbed, begging for answers, while I remained paralyzed and cold. For years, the regret of hurting someone I adored and the shame of sabotaging something promising stuck with me. It took years of self-reflection, humility and growth before I understood and took responsibility for my immature behavior. Since then, we have transitioned to being friends.
At the time, I didn’t understand it, but now it’s clear—my fear of abandonment triggered an unconscious flight response, protecting me from what felt like an existential threat. Over the years I can more readily recognize which situational over-reactive feelings produce false positives. I’ve learned to sit with those uncomfortable feelings, avoid projecting destructive defensive tactics, ask myself where the insecurity is coming from and then to the best of my ability share my vulnerability.
I’ve come to realize that the kind of love we all long for demands unwavering courage and a constant commitment to vulnerability—opening ourselves fully to others, knowing we might get hurt. Yet, all of us at some point in our lives let our deep-rooted fears of love and intimacy lurking beneath the shadows sabotage our lives, and in turn, the lives of those we care about.
What is Fear of Intimacy
Intimacy is “into-me-see.” ~Esther Perel
General relational fears of love are pervasive issues that affects both men and women, often manifesting as an unconscious or conscious discomfort that hinders the ability to develop close emotional or physical bonds with others.
Fear of Intimacy
Fear of intimacy is rooted in the anxiety of emotional closeness, driven by the fear that opening up may lead to pain, rejection, or feeling overwhelmed. It involves encompasses both the fear of abandonment and the fear of engulfment.
Fear of Abandonment
Fear of abandonment is a deep-seated anxiety that arises from the concern of being left alone, rejected, or unloved, especially by significant others. This fear can manifest in various ways, such as clinginess, difficulty trusting others, or avoiding close relationships to prevent potential heartbreak. Individuals with a fear of abandonment may struggle with intense emotions, over-analyze interactions, or develop behaviors aimed at preventing perceived rejection or abandonment.
Fear of Engulfment
Fear of engulfment is the fear of losing one’s identity, independence, or sense of self within a relationship. It often arises from concerns that becoming too close or emotionally connected with someone will lead to being controlled, overwhelmed, or smothered by the other person’s needs, emotions, or expectations.
Fear of Vulnerability
Intimacy fear is distinct from the fear of vulnerability, although the two can overlap. Vulnerability involves a willingness to expose oneself to others emotionally or physically, while the fear of intimacy stems from an anxiety or discomfort about closeness itself. A person who fears intimacy may initially appear open and vulnerable but will have limits to how far they allow themselves to go emotionally. This avoidance is often accompanied by behaviors that push others away when a relationship becomes too personal or emotionally charged.
All these fears are interrelated. as well as a fundamental fear of loss, are common emotional undercurrents that drive intimacy avoidance. These fears often coexist, causing individuals to oscillate between drawing people close and pushing them away.
Behaviors based from Fear of Intimacy
A person struggling with relational fears often exhibits distinct behaviors designed to protect themselves from emotional closeness. Some of the most common behaviors include the below. I put checkmarks next to the behaviors I’ve been guilty of in the past.
Pulling away when relationships become deeper ☑️
Changing the subject during personal conversations ☑️
Distancing oneself when someone gets too close ☑️
Pushing people away, either emotionally or physically ☑️
Continuously dating but avoiding commitment ☑️
Sabotaging relationships before they become too serious ☑️
Engaging in workaholism or perfectionism to avoid emotional engagement ☑️
Picking emotionally unavailable partners ☑️
Pursuing long-distance relationships, which inherently limit physical and emotional closeness ☑️
I’m just as guilty as anyone of being insecure when it comes to love. I’ve found that these unhealthy patterns can become cyclical, making it difficult for us to break free from our intimacy fears.
What Causes Fear of Intimacy
The origins of intimacy fears is often traced back to childhood experiences. Several key factors have been identified in the development of relational fears:
I believe it’s important not to fixate on blaming our parents for the traumas they may have unknowingly inflicted or passed down. Each generation grows up in a different milieu, with different expectations of what constitutes ‘good’ parenting. As fallible people, we could all use a little grace, reminding ourselves that everyone is doing the best they can with the tools they’ve been given.
Childhood Trauma and Attachment
Childhood trauma, especially related to attachment, is a major contributor to avoidance fears. Children who grow up in enmeshed families, where boundaries are blurred and roles are confused, may have difficulty forming healthy attachments later in life. Research on attachment theory has shown that insecure attachments during childhood can lead to difficulties in emotional regulation and intimacy as adults (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016). Children who experience emotional neglect—when parents are physically present but emotionally unavailable—may struggle with trusting others and developing intimate connections (Ainsworth, 1989).
Parental Loss and Illness
The loss of a parent—whether through death, divorce, or incarceration—can create a profound fear of abandonment that persists into adulthood. Studies have found that individuals with a history of parental loss are more likely to experience anxiety in romantic relationships (Mikulincer et al., 2003). Similarly, growing up with a parental illness or mental illness can force children into caregiving roles, leading them to believe that they cannot rely on others for support (Main et al., 1985). This dynamic fosters a belief in self-reliance, which can make intimate relationships seem unsafe.
Abuse and Neglect
Childhood abuse, whether physical, emotional, or sexual, profoundly impacts a person's ability to trust and be vulnerable with others. Victims of neglect may grow into adults who struggle with emotional closeness because they learned early on that others could not be depended on. Similarly, those who experienced verbal abuse as children often fear being ridiculed or rejected if they open up, leading to avoidance of emotional intimacy (Egeland, 1991).
Parental Substance Abuse
Parental substance abuse is another significant factor. Children of parents with addiction issues often grow up in unpredictable environments, where emotional and physical needs are inconsistently met (Oshri et al., 2015). This instability can result in relational fears, as these individuals may feel it is safer to avoid close relationships rather than risk disappointment or betrayal.
How to Manage Fears of Intimacy
Courage isn’t the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not the man who doesn’t feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear. ~Nelson Mendela
Although fear of intimacy is rooted in deep-seated emotional experiences, it can be addressed and ultimately overcome through conscious and consistent emotional work and behavioral changes.
Self Awareness
The first step in overcoming a fear of intimacy is owning that you too are afflicted and then identifying its source. This requires self-reflection on childhood experiences, attachment patterns, and current relationship behaviors. Once the source is identified, individuals can begin to challenge the beliefs and attitudes that contribute to their intimacy fears.
Authenticity
Presenting false selves, people-pleasing, and wearing multiple masks when connecting with others blocks true intimacy. Start with establishing some core values that can become the bedrock of your identity. Then embark on the lifelong journey of discovering who you are and what you value to invite genuine connection and intimacy into your life.
Find Safe And Healthy Models
*See Tim Fletcher’s series on Safe People
Surround yourself with authentic people you trust to exhibit safe and healthy relationship patterns. Support groups often serve as a resource for finding others who can empathize and share similar experiences. If you have the good fortune of knowing individuals with high levels of emotional and relational maturity, make an effort to learn from their example.
Practice Vulnerability
Practicing vulnerability in small, manageable steps can help build confidence in emotional connections. This could mean sharing thoughts and feelings with safe and healthy friends, family, support groups, or a romantic partner in everyday situations and gradually working toward deeper conversations. Brené Brown, a leading researcher on vulnerability, emphasizes the power of vulnerability in fostering deep and meaningful relationships (Brown, 2012).
Communicate Openly
Open communication with safe and healthy friends, family, support groups, or a romantic partner is crucial for overcoming intimacy fears. Sharing fears and needs with a trusted people creates an opportunity for understanding and support, which can help alleviate anxiety around intimacy.
Practice Self-Compassion
Fear of intimacy is often rooted in a fear of not being "good enough" for a relationship. Practicing self-compassion, by recognizing and accepting one’s imperfections, helps to reduce the pressure to be perfect and creates space for healthy intimacy (Neff, 2003).
Seek Therapy
Working with a therapist can be highly beneficial for individuals struggling with intimacy issues. Therapists can help individuals explore the roots of their fears, recognize harmful patterns, and develop healthier emotional responses.
Mindfulness
Mindfulness practices and journaling can provide insight into the causes of intimacy fears. Regular self-reflection helps to build awareness of emotional triggers and patterns of avoidance.
Conclusion
I’d love to ask people: How has fear caused you to push love away? What does your own struggle with intimacy look like?
Here is a universal truth: we are all terrified of opening up and getting emotionally wrecked. But consistently making decisions from irrational fears because of default programming often leads to an unfulfilled life filled with regret, guilt, and shame.
At some point, we all must face the question: What kind of love do I want to both give and receive? Most let life choose for them, and they must then deal with compounding shame—feeling powerless or helpless to pursue what they truly desire, hurting others and lacking the temerity to face their fears. We all seek the same unconditional love—to be truly seen, heard, and valued—which requires grace, commitment and unwavering courage.
References
Ainsworth, M. D. (1989). Attachments beyond infancy. American Psychologist, 44(4), 709.
Brown, B. (2012). Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. Avery Publishing.
Egeland, B. (1991). A longitudinal study of high-risk families: Issues and findings. In Children at risk: The view from the family (pp. 33-50). Guilford Press.
Main, M., Kaplan, N., & Cassidy, J. (1985). Security in infancy, childhood, and adulthood: A move to the level of representation. Monographs of the Society for Research in Child Development, 66-104.
Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2016). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change. Guilford Press.
Mikulincer, M., Shaver, P. R., & Horesh, N. (2003). Adult attachment style and affect regulation: Strategic variations in self-appraisals. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 75(2), 420.
Neff, K. D. (2003). The development and validation of a scale to measure self-compassion. Self and Identity, 2(3), 223-250.
Oshri, A., Rogosch, F. A., Burnette, M. L., & Cicchetti, D. (2015). Developmental pathways to alcohol and other drug use: A longitudinal examination of personality constructs from early adolescence to emerging adulthood. Addictive Behaviors, 50, 76-82.